Cause A Frockus

Not So Modern Love

Mar 30, 2016 | by Ellen Dial

Spring is springing up all over! The birds are singing their pick me, pick me songs and the squirrels are running amok, seeking a mate. Even my tulips and iris are emerging from their long winter naps.

We’re emerging too, from cozy couches and our warm slanket. Discarding the next Netflix binge, in favor of being outside and getting the stink blown off – walking, jogging, hiking and cycling. Over the next few months, party lights will twinkle and fire pits will be fired back up on decks and in backyards. The smell of grilled deliciousness will replace the scent of wood smoke from comforting winter fires…

We’ll be out and about – more social and engaged than we are in the dreary, cold winter months.

What’s this? What’s in the air? Love. Romantic love! OK, maybe not for us all – but for many spring means looking for love and relationships, just like our furry and feathered friends.

As lovers of all things vintage, most of us possess a more than passing interest in history, we often wonder what dating, love and romance looked like back in Aunt Carrie’s or Grandma Clemmie’s time. Did they date? Did they marry for love? How did they meet? I mean, with no dating apps, websites or whatnot, how did they do it? And of course, we blushingly wonder – did they do it?

Our ancestors would be horrified by the casual way in which we meet and “hook up” in the 21st century – approximately 95% of young people are sexually active before marriage – people are waiting longer to marry (especially young women in their 20’s) AND children are no longer a requirement and being childless is more accepted. Thanks to shifting philosophies regarding equality, education and the abundance of reliable birth control.

Things have definitely changed. This is not necessarily a bad thing.

Let’s take a look at how our fabulously interesting ancestors found “the one”. As we take a stroll through vintage dating and not so modern love…. Yes, let’s just do it!

It’s a Date | Belle Époque and Turn of the Century Love

Oh yes, we painted them as immensely romantic! We’d like to imagine that the beautifully turned out ladies and their dashing mustachioed young swains were flamingly in love and experienced great passions.

Well, some most likely were and did – but others? Not so much.

Most young people pursued others in their set, primarily friends and family members of those friends. Things were very formal (especially before WWI). Meeting a stranger at a moving picture show and going out with them? Really, not seemly. Tacky. Not done in the middle classes on up.

A young man would call on the young lady in which he was interested– with her father’s permission, naturally. Sometimes this revolved around romantic interest, but many times it revolved around the financial or social needs of either family. The latter doesn’t sound, you know, very romantic at all! But it could be, since, as Downton lovers know, it took Lord Grantham a year to fall in love after he married his lovely Lady – for financial and social gains!

Young couples spent several evenings and/or attended approved social events together – ALWAYS under the keen eye of the young woman’s mother, maiden aunt or even younger sibling – they were rarely alone. After they had done this, a young man would be expected to let his intentions be known, read: marriage. This would require speaking to her father or barring this, a responsible male family member, asking permission to pop the question. If she said yes? Huzzah! They could now be alone on occasion – and perhaps kiss and snuggle.

Women were still pretty much expected to be “pure” on their wedding nights, men were expected NOT to be. I mean, at least one of them needed to know what to do!

Of course, if one takes a look at historic parish records for marriages and births? Many little ones joined their parents in less than nine months after they were married – must be that fuzzy math thing! Right? I read a funny quote on one of the websites I encountered while doing my research – one poster’s grandmother used to say “the first baby comes whenever, the rest take nine months”. Awesome outlook, and very realistic!

But what about the Suffragettes? Well, they focused mainly on the vote, Temperance and other ills – not so much free love. But they weren’t above condoning it, married love was revered. (Check out the link! It’s worth a read!)

It’s a Date | Jazz Babies!

After The Great War, things started to loosen up. Men and women commingled with regularity. Dating as we understand it started around this time. The chaperone was quickly becoming a thing of the past. Young men could call on young women more freely. They did things in groups and as couples, taking in movies, sporting events and dances. They Charlestoned and Black Bottomed their way through romance. More couples married for love, they actually dated and all romances didn’t have to end in marriage.

The flappers fueled this reckless abandon – in the pursuit of equality.

The automobile played a huge part in this new freedom, being coined as rolling petting pits. Privacy was no longer in quite the premium. A couple could step out together, grab a meal and head out to a quiet country road for a bit of romantic fun. Petting parties became a thing.. Of course, no “good” girl would go to, or at least admit to going to, these gatherings.. The shame!

As wild and crazy as it may seem, the 1920’s and flappers were really, by today’s standards, pretty innocent. Sex was saved for marriage, or at the least, for that person you intended to marry. Good girls still didn’t. Naturally, there were fast girls, but that’s a whole other story!

They dated, married for love and sought out romance. Parents were still involved and permission to marry was still expected. First babies still showed up “whenever” after marriage and other young women went off mysteriously – arriving back several months later with a new sibling or her family welcomed a new ward, fooling no one. Denial is a strong compulsion.

It’s a Date | The Depression and WW2

By the 1930’s, chaperones were all but gone. Young men and women did all manner of things together. Times were tough – so they had to be creative, date-wise. Many put off marriage at this time, as it just wasn’t financially feasible for a young man to take on the responsibility of a wife and the ensuing children.

But of course, they still sought out love and romance. Look at the juxtaposition of fashion during this time – ensembles run the gambit – from the sensible girl next door to a smoking, sensual siren! Think Jean Harlow and Carole Lombard. Sex sold! Ladies, let’s not forget the gorgeous, dashing and sexy leading men – Gary Cooper and Clark Gable. What with their smoldering eyes and broad shoulders? Swoon worthy! Why do you think so many women went to the movies? Not for the newsreels, let me tell you.

By the time WW2 showed up on the world stage and afterwards? A shocking 50% of all young women admitted to have participated in premarital sex – though again, most frequently with those they intended to marry.

They married for love and hoped for long term happiness. They dated, went steady and married their sweethearts.

Sidebar Time! You know how I do so love them…..

Let’s talk about sex (apologies to my momma, in advance!).. Like all generations, we think we invented sex. Of course, this is completely untrue!

In the way back, approximately 6% of young women admitted to having participated in pre-marital sex. Why? There was still a great stigma attached to the practice, and again, nice young women were expected to remain “untouched”. In contrast, a whopping 70% of young men had done the deed. He needn’t be pure. In Victorian times, a man could break from his intended if there was even the smallest whiff of impropriety from the woman. Conversely, in Great Britain, a woman could sue a man for seducing her while promising marriage and the if said marriage didn’t occur? Oh snap!

To that end, birth control was not largely available or understood-nor were the facts of life, to be honest. Young women were totally ignorant – as were the young men.

The 20’s and 30’s brought about an easing of these rigid expectations. We can thank the American Birth Control League, headed by Margaret Sanger (we’ll just put aside her appalling belief in the ugliness of eugenics for the sake of argument) – the number of sexually active young people began to steadily tick up. They understood more, a majority of college students surveyed at this time knew about birth control devices and had a basic understanding of the mechanics of the thing.

As I noted, by WW2 nearly 50% of young women surveyed were sexually active. Though primarily only with serious partners and/or those they intended to marry. This type of information didn’t become fully realized until Kinsey published his first report in 1948.

What I found the most interesting was the fact we think of the past as being better or more innocent. In some ways, back in the day was more innocent. But in reality, not so much, as the foibles, weaknesses and mistakes people made or had, were brushed aside or simply not discussed. It was shocking and embarrassing. A part of our humanness we simply didn’t openly acknowledge. We just didn’t know enough or understand enough. We were fearful – of what others would think and of the unintended consequence of this type of activity. I also found it interesting – the burden of goodness and purity was squarely placed upon the woman.

Have things really changed that much?

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The writer would like to thank: Wikipedia.com, gloss.com, onlinelibrary.wiley.com, bitsysub-atomic.com, belleepoque.proboards.com, outofthiscentury.wordpress.com, thoughtcatalogue.com, jrscience.wcp.miamioh.edu, digital.library.upenn.edu.

And those who share their images freely on the Internet.

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